Global Daily Planet

Mel Gibson's film "The Passion Of The Christ" is being released on DVDs and VHS tapes today. No word yet on whether The New York Times' resident scumbag Frank Rich or the vitriolically anti-Gibson anti-Catholic anti-Christian Abraham Foxman the constipated Executive Director of the Anti-Defamation League will be outside video stores protesting the release of the blockbuster movie.

While still no word yet on whether the ancient Greek god Pan has arisen as hoped for by the Canadian Bolshevik Corporation, the head of the Olympic Committee at last night's closing ceremony in Athens showed that the CBC isn't alone in being mythological worshipping nutcases on this planet. The head of the Olympic Committee told the closing ceremony crowd that Zeus and all the other gods of ancient Greece had looked down from the heavens and smiled upon the games. Whether one of the gods who looked down and smiled included Hades the Greek god of the Underworld was not specifically mentioned. This neo-pagan mythological nonsense is spreading through all organizations ranging from the CBC to the IOC to the UN. This New Age that all the New World Order types keep yacking about (so much so they should own a yak farm!) is really the very, very, very OLD age of ancient gods and demons being brought back.

The closing ceremonies of the Athens 2004 Olympic Games were held today. No word yet on whether the ancient Greek god Pan has arisen as a result of the Olympic Games being held in Athens this year as was hoped for in the TV commercials of a certain television broadcasting network (let's call it the CBC or Canadian Broadcasting Corporation in the Sodomite Union).

The Vatican has returned the jewel-encrusted icon of Our Lady Of Kazan back to the Russian Orthodox Church. Lost in the 1917 Bolshevik Revolution, it somehow ended up in the hands of an English woman who sold it to the Blue Army Apostolate in 1970. In 1993, the Blue Army Apostolate, a Roman Catholic organization gave the icon as a personal gift to Pope John Paul II. The Polish-born pontiff kept the icon on the wall in his private chapel at the Vatican. It was John Paul's ardent desire to return the icon to the Russian Church and people in person. But KGB Agent Patriarch Alexy II of Moscow would have none of that. Pope John Paul who believes that he shall not live to see another Christmas wanted the icon returned to Russia while he was still alive. Vatican Cardinal Walter Kasper handed over the icon today to an ungrateful Patriarch Alexy II of Moscow. The icon was handed over during a ceremony in the Kremlin's Cathedral of the Assumption at a service to mark the Orthodox Feast of the Assumption. The Feast of the Assumption in the Russian Orthodox Church (called the Feast of the Dormition or Falling Asleep in the Greek Orthodox Church) falls on August 28th, some 13 days after the Feast of the Assumption in the Roman Catholic Church which falls on August 15th (the difference is caused by the Roman Church following the Gregorian calendar while the Eastern Churches follow the old Julian calendar).

The Assumption is the belief that the Virgin Mary upon her death was immediately assumed both body and soul into Heaven. Although a popular belief in the Roman Catholic Church for centuries, it was not defined as Dogma to be believed by all Catholics until Pope Pius XII made an ex cathedra pronouncement on the subject back in 1950. Most Eastern Orthodox Churches teach that while Mary's soul went to Heaven upon her death, her body like the bodies of other Christian believers awaits Resurrection at the end of time. Hence the reason why the Feast is called the Feast of the Dormition (or Falling Asleep) in most Orthodox Churches. The Russian Orthodox Church is one of the few Orthodox Churches which has always believed that Mary's body was assumed into Heaven along with her soul upon her death.

Other than Patriarch Alexy II's natural gracelessness, the ceremony of the handing over of the icon of Our Lady of Kazan went over without a hitch. There was no famous Western Canadian artist James Stolee to loudly announce to those assembled what he once said about the Pius XII defined Dogma of the Assumption years ago, "It's the biggest assumption anyone has ever made."

Just days before the convention of the neo-Fascist Republican Party in New York City, neo-Fascist Republican President George W. Bush has adopted neo-Communist (and Mother Earth Gaia worshipping New Age wacko) Al Gore's position on climate change. This week after years of denying that it was the case, the Bush White House has announced that emissions of carbon dioxide and other greenhouse style gases are the only possible explanation for global warming. Neo-Fascist Bush also said earlier this week that neo-Communist John Kerry should be proud of his military record in Vietnam. And both neo-Fascists Bush and Dick Cheney have been making sympathetic statements on fag rights and fag relationships this past week thus adopting the position of the anti-family neo-Communist Democratic Party on the issue. So in a week that marked the 65th Anniversary of the signing of the Nazi-Soviet Pact, the policies of the neo-Fascist US Republican Party and the neo-Communist US Democratic Party are virtually indistinguishable from one another.

Muslim terrorists in Iraq have killed an Italian journalist.

It was 20 years ago today that writer Truman Capote died. If Mister Capote was still alive today, he'd probably say, "Most sodomites and sodomite-loving politicians (such as Teddy Kennedy and Paul Martin) are such loathsome repulsive individuals, I don't think I'd involve myself in a gay wedding even if I was alive today."

The Antichrist government of Luciferian Liberal Prime Minister and lying son of a bitch Paul Martin in the Sodomite Union (the country formerly known as Canada) has just named two obnoxious feminazi hags to serve as judges on the Supreme Court of Canada. Just when it didn't look possible that the collective IQ of the Supreme Court of Canada could drop any lower than it already is, Paul Martin's new Antichrist Justice Minister showed this wasn't the case. The two judicially robed witches he just appointed are naturally pro-sodomite and pro-abortion. This country which adopted as its national flag a bacon wrapper beer bottle label back in the 1960s has been going to Hell ever since. Sleezy slimy Martin and his cabinet of pot smoking gangsters are making sure the trend continues.

Two Russian planes have crashed outside of Moscow. Russian President Vladimir Putin has put Russian security forces on full alert. It is believed that the two planes were deliberately hijacked and crashed by Muslim jihadi terrorists ahead of the upcoming Chechen elections. Yet another example of how well Muslim jihadis get along with the rest of humanity. When is some country going to follow the Global Daily Planet's advice and reduce Mecca and Medina to piles of radioactive sand and camel dung? It was the only thing that finally cured the Japanese Shintoists of their extreme militarism back in the 1940s.

It was 65 years ago today that the infamous Nazi-Soviet Pact was signed. The pact led to the dismemberment of Poland and the start of World War II. Two dictators, one Nazi and the other Communist teamed up. There really isn't much difference between the two, a notion that seems to have been lost in our 21st Century world.

Celebrity airhead Madonna has given fellow celebrity Britney Spears an early copy of a Kabbalistic text, the Zohar or Book of Splendour as an engagement present. The book cost Madonna thousands of pounds (that's in British currency not weight!) and supposedly explains the secrets of life, philosophy and numerology. The book was written in 12th Century Spain by various rabbis. In fact, Qabalah with a "q" refers to the Sufi Islamic magical and mystical tradition which was really the first and original Kabbalah. Its teachings are still practised by such mystical sects as the Druze and Allawites in modern Lebanon, Syria and Iraq. Kabbalah with a "k" refers to the Jewish mystical and magical tradition which began when various Jewish scholars in Spain started translating Sufi teachings into Hebrew back when Spain was under Islamic Moorish rule prior to the Iberian Peninsula's eventual liberation by Ferdinand and Isabella. Cabalah with a "c" refers to the Hermetic-Alchemical-Rosicrucian magical and mystical tradition which began in Christian Europe during the Renaissance. Its teachings were derived from secret documents of the Knights-Templars who picked up various wacko ideas from various bizarre sects during their long sojourn in the Middle East during the Middle Ages.

As for Miss Spears who earlier this year was claiming to be a born-again Christian, she bubbled rather airheadedly about the book, "It paints an even bigger picture than the Bible. It's just so interesting because I've never read stuff like this before." Yes, Miss Spears is definitely a young woman in need of a good spanking.

Burke's Peerage House in London, England is claiming that neo-Communist Democrat Presidential candidate John Forbes Kerry will defeat neo-Fascist Republican candidate President George W. Bush in November because according to Burke's Peerage House, it's always the Presidential candidate with the most blue blood in them who wins US Presidential elections. And with the current popularity of that work of fiction that masquerades as fact, The Da Vinci Code, one of John Kerry's campaign advisors has gone one better than Burke's Peerage House and is now claiming that John Kerry is part of the Merovingian Bloodline--a direct descendant of Jesus Christ and Mary Magdalene. (Science fiction nonsense--only to be believed in a country whose intellects have been shrunken by the Oprah Winfreyization of America!). No word yet on whether Kerry will be running that claim in his campaign ads!

It was 90 years ago today that the First World War started.



The editor of the Global Daily Planet will be on holiday for the next few weeks. The next Global Daily Planet will be published on AUGUST 20th, 2004. See you again in a few weeks.

Al-Qaeda made a formal declaration of war on Europe today saying the continent hadn't done enough to sever its alliances with the United States. Back in April, the turbanheaded airhead, camel dung licker, camel humpster and devoted follower of the pervert Mohammed (aka Osama bin Laden) gave Europe 3 months to sever its ties with the United States. Time's up according to the Muslim terrorist sleazebags. Italian Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi will be their first target they say. Well good old Silvio must be doing something right if he's really ticked off the butt-kissing worshippers of the infidel pagan moon god Allah. That's my boy, Silvio. Push em uppa!


Meanwhile in other news, the Illuminati-controlled Council On Foreign Relations (CFR) in New York City wants the Bush Administration to prevent the Israelis from knocking out Iran's nuclear facilities. Well that's the best reason ever for the Israelis to go ahead and blow the camel-humping Mullahs' nuclear facilities to smithereens. It must be the right thing to do if the Luciferian Illuminati is opposed to it!

Perhaps what the Israelis can do is bomb Iran's nuclear facilities for lunch and then drop cobalt-tipped atomic bombs on Mecca and Medina for a mid-afternoon appetizer. Then return to base and the heroic Israeli pilots can use the pages of the Koran for toilet paper after a well-deserved bowel movement!

Historic headlines for August 2nd, 2004 (in order of their importance) :


-90 years ago today that the world's greatest consulting detective Sherlock Holmes solves his last case.

-70 years ago today that Sir Winston Churchill has a good bowel movement while some pipsqueak gives himself a new title.

-14 years ago today that a petty desert tyrrant invades his neighbouring country.

The stories shall now be dealt with; each one following in order of its increasing importance. See below.

It was 14 years ago today that Iraqi President Saddam Hussein (who was stupid enough to think that he was a reincarnation of the Babylonian King Nebuchadnezzar--no wonder why leftist Hollywood airheads and idiots love the guy!) invaded the Kingdom of Kuwait. Of course the scumbag House of Saud (who should really be eliminated from the face of the earth!) couldn't stand up to Saddam's armies themselves and so they went running like the camel dung crybabies that they are to Uncle Sam for help. And what was the thanks America got? Camel dung licker Osama bin Laden (a turbaned-head airhead follower of the pervert Mohammed) arranged for 9/11 to occur because he couldn't handle the thought that the two shrines to the pervert prophet (Curses and damnation be upon him!) were being defended by the superior (over the inferior Muslim world) forces of the West. Of course, the United States if they wanted to follow my advice should really put an end to this whole thing by dropping atomic bombs on Mecca and Medina flattening and obliterating the shrines to the pervert prophet (Curses and damnation be upon him!) for all eternity and see how the butt-kissing worshippers of the butt of the infidel pagan moon god Allah are able to explain that occurance.

It was 70 years ago today that Germany's President Paul von Hindenburg kicked the bucket at the age of 87. Upon his departure from this world, his non-entity of a chancellor, a guy with a stupid looking haircut and moustache by the name of Adolf Hitler immediately assumed the title of "Der Fuehrer". On this same day, the man who went on to become Britain's greatest Prime Minister, Sir Winston Churchill marked the occasion by having a good bowel movement in honour and celebration of little Corporal Hitler's new title and position.

It was 90 years ago today that Sherlock Holmes the world's greatest consulting detective worked on his last case prior to retiring to the English countryside as a beekeeper. The incident of Sherlock Holmes' Last Bow was recounted in a short story entitled appropriately enough "His Last Bow" written by his good friend and biographer Doctor John H. Watson MD under the pseudonym Sir Arthur Conan Doyle. The account began: "It was nine o' clock at night upon the second of August- the most terrible August in the history of the world."

It was 60 years ago today that the Warsaw Uprising started in which Polish resistance fighters in the Polish city of Warsaw rose in revolt against the tyrannical Nazi German overlords of Poland. The Polish resistance held out for 60 days before they were crushed by the evil Nazis. The Polish resistance expected help and assistance from Stalin's Soviet Red Army who were advancing in on Poland from the East. Instead on orders from Josef Stalin (the only man capable of sending feminazi hag Hillary Rodham into a wet dream), the Soviet Red Army waited until the Nazis had thoroughly crushed and decimated the Polish resistance. Then when that happened, the Soviet Red Army moved in and imposed a Stalinist tyranny on Poland which lasted until August 24th, 1989 when Solidarity Party member Tadeusz Mazowiecki was named the democratically elected Prime Minister of Poland.

Tolerant peace-loving Muslim terrorists in Iraq have set off car bombs outside Iraqi churches. Four churches in the Iraqi capital of Baghdad and one in the northern Iraqi city of Mosul have been attacked. At least 11 people have been killed and dozens of others have been injured. The first blast occurred outside an Armenian church in Baghdad and three others were soon hit in a coordinated attack. A blast occurred around the same time at a church in Mosul. Syrian Catholic and Armenian churches appeared to be the main targets of the barbaric Mohammedan attacks. Once again the followers of the bloodthirsty pagan moon god Allah and his bloodthirsty pervert prophet Mohammed are showing their ability to get along well with other religions.